“Sam, Dante, and Colin Joke About Their Bodies”


“I am so bloated today,” Sam says. “Can you guys tell? I’m like a balloon.”

“I can’t tell,” Colin says.

“I’m a blimp,” Sam says.

“You look fine,” Colin says.

“I’m always bloated,” Dante says. “Except while you’re full of air, I’m full of fat.”

“You’re not fat,” Sam says.

“Okay not fat,” Dante says. “Chubby.”

“You are not chubby,” Colin says. “You are so handsome. Plus, the average guy is 180.”

“My hair is driving me crazy,” Sam says. “I would give anything for hair like yours, Dante.”

“Thanks,” Dante says. “But it’s a mess. I’m just trying to cover up my ridiculous forehead. My forehead is like the size of a parking lot.” Sam and Colin laugh. “I’m serious. It’s a parking garage. If I get too close to a mall, it fills up with Hyundais.”

“I’m insecure about my forehead too,” Colin says.

“Why,” Sam says. “Your forehead is nice!”

“No,” Colin says. “It’s bumpy like a pumpkin. I’m a human jack-o-lantern.” Dante and Sam laugh. “That reminds me,” Colin says. “Did you guys see the ads for that new gym.”

“Triangle,” Sam asks.

“Yeah,” Colin says. “The one that’s marketed toward men; everything’s brown. The towels are flannel. You get a private training session when you sign up. They’re all about identifying your current shape, and trying to help you get to triangle.”

“That bothers me,” Dante says.

“Me too,” Colin says. “But I also kind of want to join.”

“No way,” Dante says.

“I know,” Colin says. “Their damn ads get to me. I would kill to be a triangle. Right now I’m such a rhombus.”

“There’s nothing wrong with a rhombus,” Dante says.

“I know what you mean, though,” Sam says. “We are all enlightened, manist guys. We know objectively that we are being told what look is right (triangle with scruff) and what looks are wrong (everything else.) But I still feel affected by it. It’s better when I don’t watch tv or read magazines.”

“Yes,” Colin says. “I feel good about myself until I see an ad. Some days I can make it until 10am. Though I’m doing better since I got rid of my scale.”

“Scales are evil,” Dante says. “Pounds don’t matter. Shapes don’t matter. Health and happiness are all that matter.”

“Totally,” says Sam.

“I still might join,” Colin says.

“Colin, Dante and Sam Stand in the Backyard at a Party and Talk About Wine"

“I have a confession,” Sam says, staring down at his wineglass. “I hate wine.”

“I hate wine, too,” Dante says.

“I like it,” Colin says. “But it took me forever. I was totally that guy who drank Arbor Mist in college. So weak.” Sam and Dante laugh.

“I just love beer so much,” Sam says. “And it’s stereotypical and I feel complicated about it. I love beer, but then am I just some white guy who loves beer? Not cool.”
“I feel you,” Dante says. “And women prefer a guy who can sit around and chat for hours and drink wine. I don’t feel like I can own the fact that I’d rather throw something at something else and drink beer.”

“I love throwing things at other things,” Colin says. “Especially when they make a big smashing sound.”

“Oh a smashing sound is the best,” Sam says.

“I used to run around my neighborhood hitting tree branches with this long stick,” Dante says. “I did that way too late. I was 12 and running around my neighborhood smashing the branches.” Sam and Colin laugh.

“That’s so funny,” Colin says.

“I used to make destructor sounds,” Dante continues. “Like pew pew.” They all laugh.

“I wish we could leave this party and go throw rocks at that big wall by my apartment,” Colin says.

“That sounds amazing,” Sam says.

“I wish we could just do that,” Dante says.

“Let’s make a plan to do that,” Colin says. “Guys night. You can come over to my place and we’ll go throw rocks at that wall, maybe hit some stuff with sticks, and drink beer.”

“I cannot wait,” Dante says.

“I love Guys’ Nights,” Sam says.

“Colin and Dante Talk About Their Guy Crush on Jon Hamm”

“I have such a guy crush on Jon Hamm,” Colin says.

“Me too,” Dante says. “He’s so beautiful and funny.”

“Yeah,” Colin says. “He’s funny — his comedic timing is so good on 30 Rock, but then he’s also terrifyingly serious on Mad Men.”

“That kind of range is rare,” Dante says.

“Do you think he would be friends with us,” Colin asks.

“Definitely,” Dante says. “We’re cool.”

“I hate the term guy crush,” Sam says.

“Why,” Colin asks. “It’s charming.”

“It’s not charming,” Sam says. “It’s diminutive. Why can’t we just say, I like Jon Hamm. It feels anti-manist to me or something. Like we can’t just celebrate other men without making it adorable or flirty.”

“I guess I see what you’re saying,” Dante says.

“I would even prefer the term friend crush, or simply crush,” Sam says. “Guy crush is so gendered and dismissive. It’s almost like saying Don’t worry about my opinion; it’s just a little thing between us guys.

“Okay, Sam,” Dante says. “We won’t say guy crush anymore.”

“Around you,” Colin adds, laughing.

“Colin, Dante, and Sam Talk About Their Friend Ralph, Who Is Going to Grad School for Early Childhood Education

“Did you guys hear about Ralph,” Dante asks.

“It’s so great,” Colin says.

“What about Ralph,” Sam asks.

“He’s going to Stanford to study Early Childhood,” Dante explains.

“Oh,” Sam says.

“I really admire him,” Colin says. “He’s so gentle. I think he’s my gentlest friend.”

“Agreed,” Dante says.

“We need to have so many more men represented in Early Childhood,” Colin says. “It’s ridiculous. I think it’s the most important thing.”

“It’s totally the most important,” Dante says. “They are the people who are shaping the future. The fact that it’s 2015 and that field is still dominated by women is so upsetting to me.”

“I know,” Colin says. “The other day my friend Julie was talking about needing to hire another preschool teacher and she was using the pronoun ‘she.’ Like Julie already assumed they would hire a female.”

“Ugh,” Sam says.

“Yeah,” Colin says, “And I was like Julie, what if you hire a guy? And she said, We’ll take it into consideration, but it’s just so much likelier to be a woman. We’re more maternal and patient.

“That’s upsetting,” Dante said. “We have so many strengths that should be valued in Early Childhood.”

“That’s what kills me,” Sam says. “The complete prioritization of feminine characteristics over male. It bothered me, actually, when you guys were talking about how gentle Ralph is. Like in a truly post-manist society we won’t just celebrate femininity, and men who like Ralph who have these identifiably female characteristics, like gentleness. We’ll celebrate masculinity, too.”

“That’s a good point,” Colin says. “We need to be able to see being straight-forward, or strategic as positive, powerful traits, and not be reading so many articles about how to be more conversational and emotional in the workplace.”